Everything you ever wanted to know about my eating disorder... and you
weren't afraid to ask.
(AKA - What a good suggestion! Why didn't I think of that?)
A couple posts ago I shared the fact that I am dealing with an eating disorder. That post has spawned an unprecedented amount of offline questions, comments and suggestions, either via email, facebook messaging, on the phone or in person... Several questions have been asked more than once by more than one person.
I'll make a go at answering these questions. Fair warning: Many of these replies and questions flustered me at first. Others made me break down crying. Some left me wanting to poke my eyes out. Therefore, some of my answers may be a bit...snarky...
Drumroll please... Here are the most common questions/remarks:
Why don't you just eat?
What a good suggestion. I should have thought of that.
In fact, I don't have a good answer to that question. Maybe if I did, eating wouldn't be an issue for me. The theories that attempt to explain why eating disorders develop and become entrenched are numerous. Some point to family dynamics, others suggest genetic predispositions. Some risk factors include particular forms of childhood or more recent trauma, certain personality traits, certain forms of athleticism, and certain appearance dependent careers such as modeling, acting, dancing, etc. Likely, eating disorders develop for any combination of these reasons / risk factors.
Psychology Today featured an interesting article that suggests some of the reasons why most people with eating disorders can't 'just eat' by sheer will power alone:
More to the point, if I could 'just eat' then I wouldn't have to answer the question in the first place, would I?
Are you sure it is really an eating disorder?
I pretty much try to deny that it is really an eating disorder, at every turn. Not being able to 'just eat' anymore is embarrassing, a hassle, and overly conspicuous. I feel ridiculous for developing such a complex and annoying issue.
Am I sure that it is really an eating disorder? I am getting there.
However, my doctors, nutritionists, and other professionals have emphasized to me that they are all positive that it is an eating disorder.
I'm hard pressed to guess who is right. Me and what I want to believe, or what the professionals are telling me. You can choose who you believe as well.
I thought that anorexia was a teenage disease, that middle aged people only had it if they already had an eating disorder when they were younger?
Me too. How immature of me to develop this at my age!
It turns out that eating disorders can happen to women and men of all ages, races, orientations of every kind, etc.
Statistically, those who will develop anorexia are far more likely to do so if they are adolescent/teenage girls. But the club is neither prejudiced nor exclusive. Period. Children, middle aged people and often elderly people as well, can develop eating disorders of all different kinds.
For a little more insight on middle aged persons with the disorder, see here:
and here:
You should talk to a nutritionist, so that you understand how bad for your health an eating disorder can be.
What a good suggestion. I should have thought of that.
Nutritionists are an important part of a team of professionals who are needed to successfully treat eating disorders. That's a fact.
However, in terms of seeing a nutritionist in order to understand the implications of an eating disorder - what is happening to me has nothing to do with my not understanding nutrition. I understand without an iota of doubt that the eating pattern I have fallen into will be disastrous to my health if I don't find a way to recover, and in terms of successful recovery - the sooner the better. I can comprehend the horrifying reality of what starvation could do to my body - both internal and external,and to my cognitive ability. I also know that it will create and/or exacerbate mental illness issues.
This is not about a fundamental misunderstanding of how nutrition works. Period. And, I have seen a nutritionist. Numerous times. Seeing a professional nutritionist has been a part of both my inpatient and outpatient treatment programs.
Don't you recognize that those rail thin models
and skeletal women are unattractive?
Unattractive? What are you talking about? I am shooting for this look:
See how muscular Skeletor is? What's the problem?
Seriously though. I am not interested in looking like a skeleton. Nothing about 'rail thin' appeals to me. Nothing.
I am not yet anywhere near the bottom of my BMI, and already I miss my curves.
I am not shooting for a particular look, weight, dress size, or body shape. That is not what my disorder is about. Although many eating disorders are made worse by the asinine pressure that society places on women to be thin - a conscious effort to look a certain way is not always at the root of the disorder. So far, professionals and myself are pretty much in agreement that self esteem around appearance related issues are not a big factor in my particular disorder.
I am horrified by the size and shape that is generally accepted as the ideal norm in most fashion magazines and via media celebrities. This is not about my mistaking heroin chic for healthy, happy or beautiful.
No one needs to point out how unattractive a skeletal frame will be, on me. In fact, I am afraid of getting that thin. I am afraid that I won't know if and when I am that thin. The thought of reaching a point in this illness where anyone would consider me skeletal is disturbing to me, not something I am hoping to attain.
How many calories were / are you eating?
Not enough.
That question is what many people would call 'triggering.' If I choose to bring up the specifics in a blog post or during a conversation, that is one thing. But being asked to explain the details gives my disorder a chance to have a field day with my thought patterns. Here are my initial reactions to that question:
'speaking of how many calories I was eating, why am I eating more than that now?'
'speaking of how many calories I was eating, what was the big deal with eating so few? It's not like I was suffering major health consequences. Now that I think about it, I should drop down to that same calorie count now,'
'speaking of how many calories I am eating now, why am I being so gluttonous?'
And finally:
'why are professionals telling me to stop putting so much emphasis on 'calorie count' when everyone else seems to be focusing on it?'
The true answer is: I was not eating enough calories to support healthy weight loss or maintenance. I was not eating enough calories to live, long term.
Now I am eating more calories. But still not enough. Recovery from eating disorders is a long road to haul, and I am still hitchhiking I haven't found my way yet. I am just praying (really, down on my knees) that I am heading in the right direction.
How much did / do you weigh?
I used to weigh more. Now I weigh less.
Not so long ago:
Really. Questions about my exact weight are even more difficult for me than questions about my calorie count. In my mind, I either weigh too much or not enough. Before I can get to the almighty stance of: "What I weigh is fine, and maintaining that weight is fine, because I am fine about eatiing..." I need to get to a point where I'm not putting any emphasis on the numbers on the scale, at all. Don't encourage me to do so. Please. Don't.
Now:
Well, you look great 'now'!
Thanks. I'll have to keep starvation in my repertoire for when I'm hoping to look good.
I know, I know - this is such a well intentioned compliment. And for pretty much everyone who is working diligently and intelligently toward healthy weight loss, this comment can be a wonderful reward and boost to their determination.
I am not experiencing healthy weight loss. Eating disordered thinking defies logic. I understand the intention, and certainly the relative 'truth' behind the comment. That being said - what I 'hear' is this:
You looked terrible before.
You should have starved yourself a long time ago.
If you gain weight again, you will look ugly.
You need to keep starving yourself.
I am going to assume that when people tell me that I look great 'now', that they don't mean any of those things above. So, please just don't say it to me. This is a common issue with eating disordered individuals. We just don't know how to take a compliment. And it is not about modesty. It's about pathological thinking.
I am not saying that you should feel unsafe telling all people that they look great, when they do. I am just saying - once you either suspect or know that someone is dealing with an eating disorder - lay off the comments about their looking better than they used to.
Of course, this begs the question - what can you say about my appearance? All of these (or variations of the same) work for me:
I love your outfit.
Those shoes are so cool.
Your nail polish is awesome.
You can even say 'you look great' - just leave the 'now' off!
The best comment of all?
You looked beautiful then, and you look beautiful now.
Why is how you look so important to you, 'all of a sudden'?
Well, in the past I was obviously a slovenly pig, but now, out of the blue,
I have decided to care about my appearance. All of a sudden.
If this was about a new found obsession with vanity, then I would have gotten a manicure and pedicure - and perhaps indulged in a shopping spree at Macy's - and been done with it a long time ago. This is not about vanity. The suggestion that it is about something so shallow is wrought with fallacies about eating disorders - and frankly, a bit offensive.
What kind of recipes do you use?
[asked AFTER someone knew I had an eating disorder]
The recipe to eating next to nothing is simple and always has just one ingredient: nothing.
Seriously? You would like someone who is intentionally starving herself to share recipes with you? I am flirting with death, not writing a diet book.
How did you lose the weight?
I could stand to lose a few pounds too!
[asked AFTER someone knew I had an eating disorder]
If you are asking a question about the physiology of weight loss, then a doctor would be better able to answer that question than I.
If you are looking for weight loss tips - please see the above question and exchange 'weight loss tips' for the word 'recipes'.
Well, your husband must be happy with the way you look!
Yes, he has always wished that I would be thinner,
even if my being thinner meant that I might starve to death.
My husband is being as supportive as he can, under the circumstances. That being said, he's made it clear that under no uncertain terms is he pleased in any way - about what is going on with me in terms of eating and my weight loss. Over and over again he has reminded me that he never asked, needed, or wanted me to lose weight.
My weight loss has nothing to do with trying to please my husband or feeling pressured to lose weight by my husband.
He does say that he thinks I am beautiful no matter how much I weigh. But, he makes no bones (no pun intended) about the fact that he is very worried about how rapid the weight loss has been and the implications of my eating patterns. He is not focusing on my being thinner now. His focus is on the fact that I can not manage to eat enough food to provide adequate sustenance for my body. He is not happy about that.
But overall, you must be healthier,
because you are thinner, right?
No, I am not healthier. At this point, the best spin I could put on the overweight vs. current weight health implications is this: I am trading prior health risks with current health risks.
I am less likely to develop diabetes. I am more likely to develop gallstones.
I am less likely to have bad knees. I am more likely to pass out and hit my head on something.
I used to snore. Now I fall down if I get up to quickly.
I used to get tired walking up two or three flights of stairs. Now, my hair is falling out.
I used to enjoy food - probably a little too much at times. Now I can't taste my food, at all.
I used to accept myself as overweight without being overly critical. Now I am not overweight, but I really don't know what I look like anymore.
I used to be able to hear people tell me I looked great, and I'd feel proud. Now I hear people say I look great, and I feel ashamed.
Being thin in and of itself does not indicate a healthier person than one who is overweight. I had different health risks, and different health issues, when I was heavier. The issues I have now are related to the fact that my recent weight loss has been caused by self starvation. I was never morbidly obese, and in general, it is safe to say that starvation is not a better option than obesity.
But, when you start eating normally again,
you are in a better position than you were before,
because at least you are thinner now, right?
Yes, because being thin is the be all end all. All hail thinness!
No. I am not in a better position. Rapid weight loss and self starvation often has long lasting and/or permanent negative consequences on overall health. And it can destroy one's metabolism, which can result in a person not only gaining the weight they lost back - but usually gaining even more than the amount they originally lost. Further, if self starvation isn't rectified - permanent damage to vital organs, including the risk of congestive heart failure - is a real risk.
Aren't there medicines to help increase your appetite?
What a good suggestion! I should have thought of that.
There are two ways I could go about answering this question.
In regard to the technical specifics of the question itself - the answer is yes. There are medications that can be used to help increase a person's appetite. These are often used for cancer patients who are losing their appetites due to chemotherapy. Medical marijuana is also a wholistic approach to increasing one's appetite. Who hasn't experienced or heard of - 'the munchies'? So, yes. There are ways of increasing a person's appetite.
But, let me be clear. I am not experiencing a lack of appetite. I am hungry most of the time. This is not about losing my appetite and not being able to eat. Binge eating disorders do not develop because sufferers are incredibly hungry, and by the same token, those who suffer from anorexia are not dealing with the disorder because of a lack of appetite. Taking or doing something to increase my appetite wouldn't help me. It would probably just further frustrate and distract me. If treating anorexic behavior was as simple as appetite stimulation, then the disorderwould be much easier to treat.
What kind of traumatic experiences did you have
that might have led to your eating disorder?
I'm saving that information for my reality tv show.
Or, on second thought - those experiences are private and very personal. Some of them are probably far less daunting than one might imagine. Other experiences are likely worse. But I am in the process of sorting out what is still causing me pain and what is not. I am not ready to share that information with the world. If I want to share it, I'll bring it up myself. Really. So no need to ask.
I went on a crash diet once, too.
I'm sorry to hear that.
No, really, I am. Crash diets are not healthy, and it is really disturbing that so many people are made to feel like they have to use unhealthy methods to lose weight. It really is an unacceptable thing about our society and culture.
By the way - I am not on a crash diet. I don't know how to make that any more clear. Honestly, if I were on a crash diet - this would be a little easier. At least there would be a reasonable likelihood that I would simply 'fall off' the diet - and begin eating normally again. That's one of the problems with crash diets, most people fall off of them. On the other hand, the problem with my eating disorder is that it has the opposite consequence of a crash diet. Instead of not being able to sustain the diet restrictions, I am not able to stop restricting my diet.
Why don't you get help?
I am.
Why don't you pray?
I do.
Why didn't you just call me?
My lack of calling you (whoever you might be) is not why this is happening to me.
Why aren't you calling me now?
Contrary to the fact that I composed this blog post novella, I am soooo tired of talking about my eating issues. Especially, I am tired of addressing the vast majority of well intentioned, caring and optimistic remarks that are being offered to me (such as all of those encapsulated above). So, I am isolating a bit. It is my coping mechanism. My attention is on God, my husband, my kids, and getting well. I am working with professionals. I am in a day treatment program, five days a week. I am calling who I can, right now.
How serious is this? Are you dying?
I won't make any jokes or snarky comments. This is scary territory, and those who have asked this question have been very brave in doing so. Here is the truth:
I am nowhere near thin enough that pure body weight issues would be fatal.
I did participate in an inpatient treatment program for a couple of weeks. I have been eating more than I was before that treatment program. I am still having a lot of difficulty eating a healthy amount of food. I have more recovery to go there.
I am no longer counting calories. I am breaking out of that obsessive pattern. However, I was so accustomed to counting calories, I wouldn't be honest if I said that I wasn't fully aware that I am still eating far below the minimal suggested amount of food. The issue is not calories alone. When you are severely restricting calories, you are unable to get an adequate amount of protein, carbohydrates, calcium. etc. for your body to function properly. We could toss calorie counting to the side completely (in fact, most of us really should do that) and just focus on food groups. I am not eating enough portions of enough of the required food groups, for adequate health. This has the potential to create 'future' concerns. What exactly the 'future' means is a wild card, but in the immediate sense, I am still ok.
While I may be starving myself - I am eating enough and/or my body is compensating enough that my lab work does not yet indicate that I am starving to death. Critical components such as my electrolytes, etc. - are all within the normal range. Some of the results are borderline worrisome, but they are still within the normal range.
Medically, I am not in imminent danger of keeling over.
One of the aggravating factors in eating disorders is the fact that most people who suffer from the disorders cling to denial about the severity of their problem and/or the potential consequences.
I am as far from denial as is possible for me. This is a good thing. As I have been told,
this bodes well for the possibility of full recovery and at the very least - early intervention for any complications to my physical health.
I had blood work done again today, and next week will have abdominal ultrasounds, in a continuing effort to catch any physical complications that might be caused by my disorder.
The vast majority of concerns regarding both my physical and mental health has to do with what could happen, what it is in development, not what is happening right now.
So no one should be concerned that I'm gonna go out and never come back, anytime soon. At least not because of this. Every time I drive my car... well that's a different story...
One last question that people have sent my way. This one, I appreciate:
What can I do to help?
I absolutely love and cherish all of my wonderful friends and my incredibly loving and supportive family. I need you all to continue to care about me and think good thoughts and pray for me.
Please don't stop the emails and messages.
Even if you don't know me that well. If you found this post funny, informative, or thought provoking - leave a reply and let me know. If you are dealing with eating disorders or have dealt with them in the past, and this post resonates with you in any way, I'd love to hear from you.
Finally, take a moment and think about your own body image. Ease up, be gentle, and realize that beauty and your value as a person have nothing to do with body size. Please, please, please, teach your children the same - male and female - by modeling this understanding through your own behavior and attitudes. Ask your children to challenge the unhealthy messages that this culture perpetuates about the value of being stick thin.
And if you or your children or loved ones begin to develop patterns of disordered eating, whether they are body image related or otherwise - confront those patterns, discuss them and deconstruct them if possible. If not, get help. Don't be embarrassed or ashamed.
After all, being brave and telling the truth is one of the most beautiful things any of us can ever do.
